and my herpes radar will keep us safe
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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