from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
