its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Randomize
