I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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