dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
