I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
