Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
