you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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