There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Non-Jews are for practice
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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