my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
