i already hear my dad disowning me
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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