trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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