nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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