My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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