ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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