I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
worst night to have a conscience
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
