I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
