I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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