I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize
