Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
