sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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