At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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