we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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