i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
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She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
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your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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