I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
