Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
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his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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