Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
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How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
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Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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