so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
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