btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
