Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
