remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
