the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
