Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
