Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
