if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I think i got beer on your cat.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
