I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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