I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
