Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
