Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Randomize
