I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
