You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
