there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
