I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
