I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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