Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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