this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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