i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
