I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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