he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
my nose is crying tears of wow.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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