Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
