I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
