im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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