Plan B is the new Plan A
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Randomize
