i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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