I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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