New low: just hacked my moms facebook
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
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