are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
