guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I wish you could order shots online.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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