The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
