My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
